Friday, 17 April 2015


Alas, poor Pieday.

We tried, we really tried.

Consumed by the idea of a malibu-infused* coconut pie I bought desiccated coconut** and coconut cream*** then went trawling the net for recipes.
Unfortunately all I could find were recipes for coconut cream pie which, it transpires, is not a pie made from coconut cream but a coconut-custard pie.
I mislike custard pies.
 So I decided we could invent our own pie.
All hail discordia, quoth I, and off we set.

We Made a Thing


Cookie dough: I used the roll of molasses-chocolate chip cookie dough I put in the freezer last time we made cookies, you could use pre made, or go with your favourite recipe, but you really shouldn't because this is not a good recipe.

200g desiccated coconut
50g coconut cream
Two egg whites
100g caster sugar
Baking powder (1/2 tsp)
Rum, but not malibu, because I couldn't find any.

All the following instructions are highly unrecommended.

heat the oven to a reasonably low setting: we went with 180 celsius.

Fish out all the ingredients, along with several other things, decide which ones you're going to use (they're the ones in this list).

Improvise thus.

Slice the cookie dough into rounds and set them out in the bottom of your pie tin, overlapping the sides slightly to form a crust.
Don't worry about the gaps, as the cookies should spread as they bake.
Put the tin into the oven to bake for ten minutes while you get on with the rest.

Grate the coconut cream.

Whisk the egg whites till frothy.
Add the baking powder and whisk in.
Add the sugar, a little at a time, and whisk some more.
Keep whisking till it's glossy and holding peaks.

Stir in the desiccated coconut, the coconut cream, the vanilla and the rum (just a splash of each).

Take out the pie tin, turn the oven up just a little, and pile the coconut mixture into the cookie "crust".

Bake for twenty to twenty five minutes.

Take out, cool, maybe drizzle some melted chocolate over the top out of desperation.


The results will not be pie.

What you get, in fact, is a sort of giant coconut macaroon on a rather squiggly layer of cookie-dough...stuff.
It is not pie.
It is a failure.

According to Eleanor and Phoebe, failure is delicious.
According to Richard, failure is not bad, but has a little too much coconut.
According to me, failure is wodgy, unpleasant and both too dry and too damp at the same time.

Do not attempt this pie.
The pie is a lie.

I have since found a recipe for something called Impossible Pie.
It looks both possible and somewhat un-pie-like.
We may attempt that one day.


**Because I couldn't get shredded: shredded is better.

***To make up for the sweet dampness the desiccated lacks.
Seriously, if you're buying grated coconut, get the shredded stuff.

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